Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
