I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
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Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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