You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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