I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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