You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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