my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Sober January is a disaster.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
