Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
