Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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