Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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