dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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