can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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