He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
