just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
