My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
