life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
