What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
