Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
