The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who died my cat blue again?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
