my phone needs a breathalizer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
