Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
