My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
