Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
