She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
