"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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