just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
