Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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