so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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