Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
