I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
