Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
