So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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