I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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