I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
