No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I stole a fireplace last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
