Can i not drive my cunt home
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
