I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think your dad took our porno
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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