thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
