I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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