If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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