woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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