We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
