I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Text me some of your sweat
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