Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
