I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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