i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
