dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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