He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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