Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
