I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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