You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
