I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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