Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
